Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
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As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!