Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
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Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Bloody internet 😳
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”