Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
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I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Expect the unexporcupine.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
moms in horror movies
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!