ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
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if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.