i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
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If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now