at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
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I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.