me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
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My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !