Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
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I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.