Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
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Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
What do you hear?
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that