I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
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Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.