“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
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best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A