Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
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Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you