Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
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My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba