[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
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Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see