You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
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Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.