On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
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The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
i dont have time for this
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.