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Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.