He’s dead
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Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
#milo
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
The happy life.. 😊
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend