Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
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*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
I have never related to anyone more.