Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
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Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
She: I like Cats
He:
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism