Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
You Might Also Like
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.