I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
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Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.