What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
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Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!