cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
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me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
In case you needed to hear it:
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️