Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
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I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
🔦🌙👣
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look