once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
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CRYING
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Greeting humans vs their dogs
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes