[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
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You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Mornin. * use accordingly
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Meme Monday.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
When your man makes a valid point
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.