The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
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[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
umm…
Scream sneezers need love too.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
the battle rages on
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10