Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
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Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom