If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
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Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.