With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
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Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isnât walls and you can just walk right through it.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, Iâd want it in jail.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like âmakes senseâ & I was sitting there all âA swan wtf?â
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kidsâ stuffed animals into his bag*
Na mad people full this app… đđđ
âWow the Good Doctor is nuts.. canât believe this is on network TVâ
One Tree Hill in 2009:
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
iPhone X
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
got an email from my bank saying âis your 401k enough to retire onâ and itâs like you are my bank you know it is not