[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
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If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.