Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
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When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Me too 😆
This squirrel eats better than I do
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!