Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
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Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
The Sun’s probably Asian.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.