Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
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Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
You know…for fall…
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys