I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
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[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.