My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
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*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder