I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
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He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.