Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
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Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.