I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
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ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy