salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
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The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not