[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
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The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.