ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
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you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.