Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
You Might Also Like
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP