Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
You Might Also Like
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Cats (2019)
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream