the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
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“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
#SaturdayBears
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT