inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
You Might Also Like
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
When news reporters do sports stories
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Effort made
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.