Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
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When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Oops
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!