Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
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“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”