For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
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Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Ironic
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”